Hm...

I just feel disgusting

What I did

Compromising

Potentially, at least

My professional status

Because of desire

a desire warped

because of desperation

I'm so stupid

And she wasn't even the cutest one

And you could have been smoother to prevent any big problems

But you didn't

And now you feel like a jerk

A trip abroad...

You know what they say:

When in....

I'll let you insert the city name.

Had quite a wild ride with a person of foreign parentage

It was drunken

Fun

Sexy

and also icky and weird and potentially compromising

I have to learn to be more, ahem, judicious in my decisions

But when you're drunk...

Well, you know.

I spent the whole flight there preparing to let her know how I feel

knowing how much of a game changer it would be

thinking about all of my disgusting options

and how much it would change my life

but i'll have to

at some point

won't I?

I've been reading a number of religious texts recently

and really lamenting how I've deviated from a more spiritual path in my life

particularly centered around this

and how I think the, or at least, my universe, is really being affected by it

my karma, if you will

and how

the first step to really healing all of this

and getting back onto a purer path

is really letting the truth out

the truth always prevails, doesn't it?

I mean, at some point at least?

A month to breathe easy

She's been gone for a month. Here and there.

And I've felt great.

Nice.

Light.

Easy.

Isn't it so interesting

like a butterfly in cocoon

How so many parts of you

that you've stuffed down

warped and distorted

for so long

just blossom back out

fresh and new

with so few tinges of regret

of any so-called "time lost"

fuck time

in all its relativity

there are real things we encounter

and must conquer in our lives

that are the solid threads of our personal stories

and when we conquer them

the most awful things we must

the reward is the lesson learned

and the part of your heart that has healed

--- --- ---

by the way - i have a tracker on this site

so thanks for reading!

(you readers in Oregon, California, Colorado, Louisiana, Illinois, Ohio and NY)

It really feels great to be heard.

hope you have had a happy holiday, and a great new year

She's gone...

For three weeks
She's out of town
Out of contact
In a foreign land
Without a long distance phone card

All around me is flirtation
Seduction
Women can sense it
I don't know how
Pheromones?
But they're flocking
Pouring down like rain
All around me
And all I have to do
If you'll pardon the lame metaphor
Is lower my umbrella

I asked my friend
If living an unprincipled life makes you a bad person
If it is wrong
In some kind of deep essential way

And as I watched her get in the van
And drive away
I just felt kind of sick
Free
and sick

What I want...

I want to fuck
To live
To feel spiritually free
To feel the universe
Coursing through me
Understand the truth
That I know so dearly
Of it all
And be free
Free of fear
To share it with people who understand it
Who see it
Who share it

And why am I so afraid?
Knowing I'm better than all this
Even knowing that my fears are irrational
Childlike
Things to get over
To move beyond
Yet I let them define me
I have
And so I am fat
of body and of mind
Unfit
Unwell
Bloated
And unsure.

But being pure is hard
Being moral and good
Is hard
And so many people in this world
Ignorant and unsensitive and stupid
Just get by
Just let their ignorance guide them
While us
Who are so aware and sensitive to the working of things.
The ways of the world
We have to suffer
By being forced to witness

Fuck it all
I'd say I want to die
But I know the futility of that
We are the watchers
The true inheritors of the world
Of the truth.

Erg.
Fuck it.

Newer thoughts

I can see the clock ticking down
Mental bags packing
I will not substitute the affection you should have been giving the entire time
For your gratefulness that I'm still around

Tonight

I'm sitting at home.
I feel fat and alone.
And I wonder about all the things wasted
because of this
woman...?
bitch..?
idiot...?

I really wonder about the merits about fucking other people
about not worrying about her
not having her as part of my life

I really have to wonder that
Would I feel better?
Or worse?