A month to breathe easy

She's been gone for a month. Here and there.

And I've felt great.

Nice.

Light.

Easy.

Isn't it so interesting

like a butterfly in cocoon

How so many parts of you

that you've stuffed down

warped and distorted

for so long

just blossom back out

fresh and new

with so few tinges of regret

of any so-called "time lost"

fuck time

in all its relativity

there are real things we encounter

and must conquer in our lives

that are the solid threads of our personal stories

and when we conquer them

the most awful things we must

the reward is the lesson learned

and the part of your heart that has healed

--- --- ---

by the way - i have a tracker on this site

so thanks for reading!

(you readers in Oregon, California, Colorado, Louisiana, Illinois, Ohio and NY)

It really feels great to be heard.

hope you have had a happy holiday, and a great new year

She's gone...

For three weeks
She's out of town
Out of contact
In a foreign land
Without a long distance phone card

All around me is flirtation
Seduction
Women can sense it
I don't know how
Pheromones?
But they're flocking
Pouring down like rain
All around me
And all I have to do
If you'll pardon the lame metaphor
Is lower my umbrella

I asked my friend
If living an unprincipled life makes you a bad person
If it is wrong
In some kind of deep essential way

And as I watched her get in the van
And drive away
I just felt kind of sick
Free
and sick

What I want...

I want to fuck
To live
To feel spiritually free
To feel the universe
Coursing through me
Understand the truth
That I know so dearly
Of it all
And be free
Free of fear
To share it with people who understand it
Who see it
Who share it

And why am I so afraid?
Knowing I'm better than all this
Even knowing that my fears are irrational
Childlike
Things to get over
To move beyond
Yet I let them define me
I have
And so I am fat
of body and of mind
Unfit
Unwell
Bloated
And unsure.

But being pure is hard
Being moral and good
Is hard
And so many people in this world
Ignorant and unsensitive and stupid
Just get by
Just let their ignorance guide them
While us
Who are so aware and sensitive to the working of things.
The ways of the world
We have to suffer
By being forced to witness

Fuck it all
I'd say I want to die
But I know the futility of that
We are the watchers
The true inheritors of the world
Of the truth.

Erg.
Fuck it.

Newer thoughts

I can see the clock ticking down
Mental bags packing
I will not substitute the affection you should have been giving the entire time
For your gratefulness that I'm still around

Tonight

I'm sitting at home.
I feel fat and alone.
And I wonder about all the things wasted
because of this
woman...?
bitch..?
idiot...?

I really wonder about the merits about fucking other people
about not worrying about her
not having her as part of my life

I really have to wonder that
Would I feel better?
Or worse?

Practical Matters

She is trying so hard.



And I'm here with so many possibilities.



Do I break it off entirely?



Freak out and scare her for a few weeks?



Say we should take a "break"? (which I'm afraid will just be total bullshit and just a protracted way to totally break up)



Tell her how I feel. Just directly and lucidly?



Cause if I do, she won't be able to handle it. And this, I'm afraid, is, right now, our basic difference.



I totally feel that, maybe later on, we may be able to be on the same page again - but I just don't know about right now...

Something I wrote to my friend...

"Needless to say, whether or not it's a good thing, something happens in your life that just shakes everything up. The kind of thing that knocks your gears back into place when maybe you hadn't known they'd been out of whack. Or perhaps you did know they were out of whack, but was too confused, or scared maybe, to do what needed to be done."

Patience

So - I'm holding out right now
I think it's a bad time
I'm flirting with other people
Spending more time with friends
Building some distance

Making it so
Should the cord be cut
My life is not shattered

Eliminating the co-dependence...

Whilst on the subway...

My head was buzzing, so I wrote this on my phone. Transcribing for you now:

I clogged up my life.

blogged about it, 

kissed your face everywhere so you could understand my pain. 

I'm not emo, you fuck. 

I don't even listen to the radio. 

All I do is try to be a good person, 

and i feel I've gotten so far away from all the, 

how would you call them? 

Inviolable elements 

that I hold so dear, 

about being a good person

All the words I spoke...

words of meaning and consequence

that came in times of necessity

and held the keys to the future

Those were your opportunities forward. 

And if you couldn't even see the doorway open right in front of you, 

how could I think or consider to go any further, 

despite my heart. 

No, I am not perfect, 

barely at all, 

and am hard pressed to identify the difference between your acts and mine. 

But what I did was small.

So much smaller than what you did. 

And with so much more innocence. 

I am an understanding person, 

and had it been lesser, 

or with someone else, 

someone who you had not tortured me over

with your feigned innocence 

it might have been far easier to forgive. 

But not only was it a transgression, 

but it was repeated, and large, 

and done not only with malice, 

but with passive aggressive joy. 

And, yes, you may regret it now, 

but that it happened in the first place is quite enough for me. 

You say you love me, 

but you don't care to know me in the way I wish to be known. 

I know I'm not crazy to want that. 

And that is what is on the line here, 

In this moment. 

Gratitude.

Thanks for those curious and empathetic. I really appreciate it. 

I can't I can't...

What am I supposed to do?
You're an idiot.
You think you've gotten away with it.
And what am I supposed to do?

I have to take a break.
I have to.
I can't stand this.

What I think i'm going to say to her.

It came to me as I was riding my bike today.
"I can see us having a future, but I can't see us having a right now"

I just want to go elsewhere
Like Don Draper on the day of his kid's party...
Just fuck the cake
and go elsewhere.

Please

Stop with the passive aggressive shit.
I know I could say.
Even though I'm writing this blog.
Instead of telling you what I'm feeling.
Which I guess you could say
Is pretty damn passive aggressive.

I'm going to come over.
Because I want to.
Because
Despite all this shit
I love you
And am trying to forge a way through all this shit
That you've laid in my lap.

You...

I don't know what to do with you.

You give me an opportunity to do what I want. 

And the only thing I have to say against that is:

I have nothing cultivated with anyone.

I have no open opportunities.

Because I've been with you.

And have been (generally) committed.

And

Yes

I am a human being

And have transgressed

But there have been lines

That have never

Ever

Been Crossed

And I really think that's the difference

In this situation.

Coming over

I sit here.
You want me to come over.
You want to love me.
Be nice to me.
As a way to make amends.
For all the fuck-up-ed-ness.
For all the fundamental ways you failed me.
For all the ways you don't understand me.
Or want to.

I'm going to go over.
And smile.
And pretend.
Cause there is no respect in any of this.
At all.
And - what?
I'm weak?
Let's go ahead and say it.
This is my weakness.
My failure.

To explain...

Ok - so, to explain.

There is so much I cannot say.
Because I know too much.
And my values are fucked up.
Which makes me sad.
And probably co-dependent.

(am I wasting my time?)

Anyway...
I just want to be able to speak freely.
Totally freely.
No names will be used.
And if she finds this.
Well.
Good for her.

This is my place.

I know

Fuck you.
I know you went home and fucked him that night.
The night that you saw the movie with him.
He doesn't live in Williamsburg.
Don't lie to me.
He doesn't live in Williamsburg.

It's beyond beyond.
All of this.
Words have no meaning.
All a joke.
A really funny joke.
And I'm just a culprit too.
I never fucked anyone.
And did my share.
But not this.
I listened.
I tried.
Ugh.
You.
God.
Damn.
You.