Patience

So - I'm holding out right now
I think it's a bad time
I'm flirting with other people
Spending more time with friends
Building some distance

Making it so
Should the cord be cut
My life is not shattered

Eliminating the co-dependence...

Whilst on the subway...

My head was buzzing, so I wrote this on my phone. Transcribing for you now:

I clogged up my life.

blogged about it, 

kissed your face everywhere so you could understand my pain. 

I'm not emo, you fuck. 

I don't even listen to the radio. 

All I do is try to be a good person, 

and i feel I've gotten so far away from all the, 

how would you call them? 

Inviolable elements 

that I hold so dear, 

about being a good person

All the words I spoke...

words of meaning and consequence

that came in times of necessity

and held the keys to the future

Those were your opportunities forward. 

And if you couldn't even see the doorway open right in front of you, 

how could I think or consider to go any further, 

despite my heart. 

No, I am not perfect, 

barely at all, 

and am hard pressed to identify the difference between your acts and mine. 

But what I did was small.

So much smaller than what you did. 

And with so much more innocence. 

I am an understanding person, 

and had it been lesser, 

or with someone else, 

someone who you had not tortured me over

with your feigned innocence 

it might have been far easier to forgive. 

But not only was it a transgression, 

but it was repeated, and large, 

and done not only with malice, 

but with passive aggressive joy. 

And, yes, you may regret it now, 

but that it happened in the first place is quite enough for me. 

You say you love me, 

but you don't care to know me in the way I wish to be known. 

I know I'm not crazy to want that. 

And that is what is on the line here, 

In this moment. 

Gratitude.

Thanks for those curious and empathetic. I really appreciate it. 

I can't I can't...

What am I supposed to do?
You're an idiot.
You think you've gotten away with it.
And what am I supposed to do?

I have to take a break.
I have to.
I can't stand this.

What I think i'm going to say to her.

It came to me as I was riding my bike today.
"I can see us having a future, but I can't see us having a right now"

I just want to go elsewhere
Like Don Draper on the day of his kid's party...
Just fuck the cake
and go elsewhere.

Please

Stop with the passive aggressive shit.
I know I could say.
Even though I'm writing this blog.
Instead of telling you what I'm feeling.
Which I guess you could say
Is pretty damn passive aggressive.

I'm going to come over.
Because I want to.
Because
Despite all this shit
I love you
And am trying to forge a way through all this shit
That you've laid in my lap.

You...

I don't know what to do with you.

You give me an opportunity to do what I want. 

And the only thing I have to say against that is:

I have nothing cultivated with anyone.

I have no open opportunities.

Because I've been with you.

And have been (generally) committed.

And

Yes

I am a human being

And have transgressed

But there have been lines

That have never

Ever

Been Crossed

And I really think that's the difference

In this situation.

Coming over

I sit here.
You want me to come over.
You want to love me.
Be nice to me.
As a way to make amends.
For all the fuck-up-ed-ness.
For all the fundamental ways you failed me.
For all the ways you don't understand me.
Or want to.

I'm going to go over.
And smile.
And pretend.
Cause there is no respect in any of this.
At all.
And - what?
I'm weak?
Let's go ahead and say it.
This is my weakness.
My failure.

To explain...

Ok - so, to explain.

There is so much I cannot say.
Because I know too much.
And my values are fucked up.
Which makes me sad.
And probably co-dependent.

(am I wasting my time?)

Anyway...
I just want to be able to speak freely.
Totally freely.
No names will be used.
And if she finds this.
Well.
Good for her.

This is my place.

I know

Fuck you.
I know you went home and fucked him that night.
The night that you saw the movie with him.
He doesn't live in Williamsburg.
Don't lie to me.
He doesn't live in Williamsburg.

It's beyond beyond.
All of this.
Words have no meaning.
All a joke.
A really funny joke.
And I'm just a culprit too.
I never fucked anyone.
And did my share.
But not this.
I listened.
I tried.
Ugh.
You.
God.
Damn.
You.